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Updated: May 30

"The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are." -- Marcus Aurelius


photo of a large speckled owl on a branch in front of a large rock, looking into the distance
photo of a large speckled owl on a branch in front of a large rock, looking into the distance

This quote by Marcus Aurelius emphasizes the importance of having a calm and untroubled mind, looking at things as they truly are, being prepared for adversity, and accepting what comes our way without excessive desire or aversion. When we practice premeditatio malorum, or premeditation of adversity, we actively imagine things that could go wrong or be taken away from us. The Stoics believed that by doing this, people could cultivate inner resilience, overcome fear and anxiety, and approach challenges with wisdom and equanimity. Sounds great. Piece of cake. But what does that look in relationship to recovering from traumatic events, though? Things that should be simple often aren't when we unknowingly look through life through the lens of trauma responses and compensatory self-protective behaviors. We don't want to simply "stuff our feelings" and "suck it up" to accept "what comes our way" while ignore the behaviors we developed as a response to traumatic events. That would basically be living like we are already living. No change. No growth.


Peter Walker's "Four Fs" - fight, flight, freeze, and fawn - are instinctual responses that humans and animals can have in response to perceived threats or danger. Trauma survivors may be more prone to these responses due to the lasting impact of their past experiences. While premeditation of adversity can be a helpful tool for trauma survivors, it is important to use it in a safe and mindful manner to avoid activating these responses, while still practicing what Stoicism as a discipline can offer.


How do we safely use premeditation of adversity as a coping technique without sliding into fawning response or any of the other Four Fs cited by Pete Walker?


One way trauma survivors can safely use premeditation of adversity is to start with small, manageable challenges and gradually work up to more difficult scenarios. In a nutshell, premeditatio malorum is negative visualization. Imagining the worst possible outcome of a situation to strengthen yourself against hardship. At first glance, it seems counterintuitive for healing, especially after experiencing trauma. Shouldn't we be working on looking at the bright side, or looking for the silver lining?


In some cases, I don't think so. Here's why: When we have experienced trauma, especially repeated trauma that affects our thoguht patterns and very brain function, it's not hard to slide into trauma responses we once used to keep ourselves safe, even when thinking about potential new situations, because we once needed these responses to either stay alive, or help us cope with the aftereffects of repeated trauma. We use them even when we don't need them.


Example: I book a speech or a talk and spend the weeks before struggling to sleep and keep my appetite, and on the day of, I get nauseated and throw up before the talk, all the while forgetting even the basic outline of the what I plan to say. Why? Because the first time I gave a speech (in high school) I bombed it and was laughed at by the full audience, including the teacher. It was public humiliation at a time when I was vulnerable, struggling to create an intellectual indentity for myself in a world where variables included looking very different from everyone around me and having painful low self-esteem. For some reason, this affected me quite negatively and I carried compensatory beahviors (that did me no good) for years after.



Therefore, I must now brace myself for facing the same humiliation before every other speech I give because that's what my body has gotten used to doing. In fact, it's become so used to doing it, that I can't rationalize myself out of doing it. I book a talk, and my heart begins to race, even though the talk is months away. Our bodies take over so easily. It's survival, or perceived survival.


But of what import is perceived survival? We either live or we die. We either bomb the speech or we slay the speech, but in either instance, in this society, we are not likely to die from giving a talk, no matter how badly it goes. But the protective emotional parts of us are not likely to recognize this without training, and learning to think different post-trauma requires thinking, not reacting. Part of trauma recovery includes learning to trust our logic over our emotions, and there's a way to do this without dissociation. This is where premeditatio malorum comes it. It's imaginative thought. It's systematic. It's logical. It's dispassionate. Thinking helps override the automatic emotional responses within which our bodies have grown used to operating.



Stoics believed there are three kinds of situations in life. These are things we can completely control, things we can partially control, and things we cannot control in any way. We'll talk about this in another blog post, but let's look at it like this: We may not always have control over events in our life, but we do have control over our response to these events. Stoics believe that we have the greatest chance of reacting to events that come as a surprise. We get blindsided, traumatized, throw off kilter and either need time to recover, or in the case of true traumatic events, may struggle to cope. If, however, you have already prepared for these events, you won't be surprised. You will be able to remain calm and clear-headed. That's why Stoics believe in practicing premeditatio malorum. Imagine a thing and all the ways it can go sideways. Let yourself practice being in the worst of the worst in your mind. I once passed out in public ( an allergic reaction to some COVID-cleanser spray the employees at Marshall's were required to use at their registers after each sales transaction). I made it out to the front sidewalk, then passed out. I woke up on the curb with a very concerned gentleman standing over me. After that, I was afraid to go to that store again. It was embarrassing. What if I passed out again? What if I woke up on the sidewalk? What if I had an anaphylactic reaction to the spray and died right there?


Premeditatio malorum look at that might go something like this:

I'm walking into Marshall's. If I see someone with a spray bottle, and I can choose to leave right away. Okay, I don't actually see a spray bottle. It's been two years and the COVID cleansings have lightened up everywhere, so they might not even be using that chemical anymore. But what if I think they aren't and I go up to the register to pay for my item, and someone randomly pulls out the spray and sprays it, and I go down? What's the worst that can happen? I'll go down. Okay, well, last time I had time to get out of the store before I went down, so I'm not likely to hit my head. I just faint. Last time, someone helped me. No one pointed and laughed. No one humiliated me. People were concerned. Perhaps I'll have time to call my husband. Perhaps someone will on my phone. Okay, I get out in the fresh air in time, and I don't get the allergic reaction. I'm fine. Or worst of the worst, I get hit with the smell of the spray and I get an anaphylactic reaction. I'll have my epi pen on me and use it. Probably won't die. And someone can call an ambulance and I can go to the hospital. Worst case, I'll die, but honestly, it's not likely, because I've already called Marshall's and they say they are no longer using that spray.


When I imagine the potential scenarios, I can see it like anyone going through it, like a human experience, not my particuar personal horrifying past experience. What happened once may not continue to happen, though sometiems it does. But also, sometimes it doesn't. I can control the things I can control....calling Marshall's to see if they are currently using that spray, and carrying my epi pen. Things I can't control I can imagine reacting to, and what it all comes down to, what everything comes down to, is life or death...I might die, and if I do, it will be okay. I might get hit by a bus and die on the way to Marshall's, too, or I might buy a bag of gummi bears and choke on one later, when I am home alone. We all die. We all die. We all die. It's okay. Marcus Aurelius says there is no need to fear something that is inevitable, but perhaps that is for another blog post.

Ultimately, imagining the worst helps me to keep a clear head. Chances are the worst won't come, and I don't have to resort to any of the Four Fs to brace myself for the "What ifs."

If you need to, practice self-care and relaxation techniques before and after engaging in premeditation of adversity. This can include deep breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, prayer, or mindfulness meditation. These practices can help us regulate our emotions and reduce the risk of activating a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response.


Red-haired woman sitting in speckled sunlight and taking the opportunity to relax and breathe
Red-haired woman sitting in speckled sunlight and taking the opportunity to relax and breathe

Additionally, trauma survivors may find it helpful to work with a therapist or trauma-informed life coach when using premeditation of adversity as a coping technique. A trained professional can provide guidance and support, and help individuals identify any potential triggers or patterns of behavior that may arise during the practice. Hey! LittleBirdCoaching does this. Feel free to contact us with any questions!

Overall, premeditation of adversity can be a valuable tool for trauma survivors when used in a safe and mindful manner. By starting small, practicing self-care, and seeking professional support when needed, trauma survivors can build their resilience and develop effective coping strategies to manage their triggers and challenges.


a painted rock garden centering on a small blue rock with the word hope painted in black
a painted rock garden centering on a small blue rock with the word hope painted in black


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"The mind that is anxious about future events is miserable." - Seneca


Trauma survivors often struggle with developing healthy relationships due to the lasting impact of their past experiences. In addition, people who have not experienced trauma may still face challenges in relating to others in a positive and productive manner. One technique that can be useful for both trauma survivors and those looking to improve their relationships is premeditation of adversity, also known as premeditatio malorum.

Premeditation of adversity is a Stoic philosophy technique that involves imagining potential negative outcomes and mentally preparing oneself for them by imagining specific ways things might go wrong and how you would react to what comes your way, no matter what it is. This practice can be particularly beneficial for trauma survivors who may be triggered by unexpected events or experiences. By anticipating and preparing for potential challenges, individuals can feel more in control of their emotional responses and better equipped to handle difficult situations.


Rehearse them in your mind: exile, torture, war, shipwreck. All the terms of our human lot should be before our eyes.” - Seneca, again (that guy had it locked down).


photo of a sunken ship, orange in color, half covered by calm blue water
photo of a sunken ship, orange in color, half covered by calm blue water

Premeditation of adversity is not about catastrophizing or becoming overly anxious about potential negative outcomes, even though we may be able to easily imagine the shipwreck, or forgetting every word of the presentation, or making a fool of ourselves on the first date. It's also not an invitation to obsess over the negative. Instead, it is a proactive and mindful approach to prepare oneself for challenges that may arise in life. By considering potential difficulties and developing strategies to manage them, individuals can feel more confident and resilient in the face of adversity.


confident young, bearded man wearing sunglasses, sitting against a denim blue wall in a power pose
confident young, bearded man wearing sunglasses, sitting against a denim blue wall in a power pose

In addition to helping us manage emotional responses to triggers and conflicts, premeditation of adversity can also foster greater empathy of others, and a better understanding of how people operate within relationships. By imagining ourselves in another's shoes and considering potential challenges or misunderstandings, we can approach conversations with greater compassion and perspective.

For example, if I'm having a hard time understanding my husband's perspective on something (sometimes I do...he's an engineer after all and we think differently!), I can try and imagine myself in his position and consider the challenges and experiences that he may be experiencing. This can help me approach any conversation we have with more empathy and understanding.

When I first started using premeditatio as a healing tool, I was stuck in a cycle of anger. I blamed others for my situation, because after all, I thought things were "done to me" without my having any agency or power. Some things were "done to me" but that doesn't matter in my current stage of healing now and I'll explain why in another post. I started by identifying past events that bugged the crap out of me and began to imagine ways I could have handled things differently. Imagining these alternate scenarios, even though they didn't happen, helped me to release the anger of the actual events that did happen. As well, the practice of imagining alternate scenarios allowed me to more easily imagine future events. All the ways things could go sideways next year, or next month, or later today.


Now I wake up and spend a few minutes thinking of this quote by Marcus Aurelius:


“When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: the people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous and surly. They are like this because they can't tell good from evil. But I have seen the beauty of good, and the ugliness of evil, and have recognized that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own - not of the same blood and birth, but the same mind, and possessing a share of the divine. And so none of them can hurt me. No one can implicate me in ugliness. Nor can I feel angry at my relative, or hate him. We were born to work together like feet, hands and eyes, like the two rows of teeth, upper and lower. To obstruct each other is unnatural. To feel anger at someone, to turn your back on him: these are unnatural.”


Am I perfect in my forgiveness and live a life free of anger? Not even close, but I'm trying. That's what Stoicism is a practice, not a perfection. This quote helps me to focus for a few minutes on thinking about the potential sidewaysness my day may bring, and when something goes wonk, I'm not surprised. I can then have easier access to patience and kindness. I can bring to mind potential emotions I might experience, physical sensations and thoughts that may arise, then consider practical steps I can take to manage the situation, whatever it might be.


scrabble words that spell out "transform wounds into wisdom"
scrabble words that spell out "transform wounds into wisdom"

Here's a fun IRL example: I woke up a few months ago with a familiar pain that is particularly brutal in nature. I knew it was a kidney stone. I've had them before. Ordinarily, it would have sent me into a panic attack (I used to get those frequently), but I imagined what might happen during the course of this stone. I knew I would be going to the hospital. I imagine that my initial experience in the ER could be either good, (seen swiftly by kind, professional staff) or bad (dismissed as a drug seeker, or not attended to for hours). I would either be sent home, or I would pass the stone, or I would be admitted and have surgery. The pain would be bad. I might not ever get pain relief. I might not pass the stone for days. But imagining all he goods and the bads helped me to stand at the ready for whatever would happen, calmly, and best of all, without fear. I had a medical event without fear. This has not been part of my past experiences.


Premeditation of adversity works in psychosocial scenarios, too. Say I have a history of being emotionally activated by engaging with certain family member during social gatherings (I do!), I might imagine scenarios in which I encounter the family members and consider what a conversation might be like and imagine how I might choose to manage both my words and my emotional response. Tip: This activity may pair well with some deep breathing exercises, repeating positive affirmations, or exploring ideas in writing.


cursive pink neon sign in front of a wall of green plants that says "and breath"
cursive pink neon sign in front of a wall of green plants that says "and breath"

In addition to helping trauma survivors prepare for potential triggers, premeditation of adversity can be useful for those of us looking to improve our relationships. By imagining potential conflicts or misunderstandings, we can identify potential sources of tension and proactively address them before they escalate. We may be able to improve our relationships when we consider past conflicts or misunderstandings and actively imagine how they could have been handled differently. This may involve considering alternative responses or identifying communication strategies that could have been more effective.

For example, if I have a history of becoming defensive during disagreements (I do!), I can imagine a scenario in which I am able to remain calm and open-minded during a difficult conversation, then in my mind, practice active listening skills, reframing negative thoughts, or imagining myself taking a break to regroup before responding. When versions of the scenario come up IRL, I will have had mental practice handling my response and new behaviors may be easier to access.


It is worth noting that premeditation of adversity is not a replacement for therapy or professional support for trauma survivors, or anyone seeking to make radical change in their life. While this technique can be a valuable tool for managing triggers and improving relationships, it is important to seek professional help when needed. Just a gentle mention: LittleBird Coaching specializes in trauma recovery coaching. Feel free to get in touch with us here.


Overall premeditatio malorum, or premeditation of adversity, is a powerful Stoic philosophy tool that can be used by trauma survivors and any of us looking to improve our ability to handle life in a virtuous manner. By imagining potential challenges and developing strategies to manage them, we can feel more in control of our emotions and become better equipped to handle difficult situations. With practice, premeditation of adversity can become an integral part of our healing and growth journey.


These quotes emphasize the importance of having a calm and untroubled mind, looking at things as they truly are, being prepared for adversity, and accepting what comes our way without excessive desire or aversion. By practicing premeditatio malorum, stoics believed that individuals could cultivate inner resilience, overcome fear and anxiety, and approach challenges with wisdom and equanimity.


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Updated: Apr 27




surprised black baby chicken standing in between two yellow chicks that look exactly alike
surprised black baby chicken standing in between two yellow chicks that look exactly alike

An NPE (Not Parent Expected) discovery or DNA surprise is a life-changing event that can lead to a wide range of emotional and psychological changes. An NPE is a person who finds out, often through DNA testing, that their biological parent is not who they thought it was. This can happen for a lot of reasons, such as an affair, a sperm or egg donation, or an adoption that was not disclosed. The discovery of an NPE can have a profound impact on a person's sense of identity, their relationships, and their mental health.


One of the most immediate and intense emotional responses to an NPE discovery is shock. This can be a deeply unsettling experience, as it challenges one's sense of reality and identity. Many people describe feeling like their whole world has been turned upside down. The shock can lead to a range of physical and emotional symptoms, including difficulty sleeping, loss of appetite, anxiety, and depression.




Once the initial shock has subsided, NPEs often experience a sense of confusion and a need to re-evaluate their past and their relationships. They may question everything they thought they knew about themselves and their family history. This can be a difficult process, as it involves re-evaluating many memories and beliefs. NPEs may feel like they are in a state of limbo, not knowing who they are or where they belong.


Another common emotional response to an NPE discovery is anger. This can be directed towards the biological parent who was not truthful or towards the family members who kept the secret. Many NPEs feel a sense of betrayal and a loss of trust. Anger can be a natural part of the healing process, as it allows NPEs to express their emotions and work through their feelings. However, it is important to manage anger in a healthy way, as it can lead to further stress and conflict.


Image of a man in glasses gripping his hair and screaming.
Image of a man in glasses gripping his hair and screaming.


Grief is also a common emotional response to an NPE discovery. NPEs may feel a sense of loss for the family they thought they had, as well as a loss of identity and connection. This grief can be intense and long-lasting, as NPEs try to come to terms with their new reality. It is important to acknowledge and process grief in a healthy way, as unresolved grief can lead to depression and other mental health issues.


A sad woman in glasses leaning against an unmade bed, clearly unhappy
A sad woman in glasses leaning against an unmade bed, clearly unhappy

NPEs may also experience a sense of isolation and loneliness. This is especially true if they feel like they cannot talk to their family or friends about their discovery. NPEs may feel like they are the only ones going through this experience and may feel like they don't belong anywhere. It is important for NPEs to find support and connection with others who have gone through similar experiences. There are many support groups and online communities for NPEs that can provide a sense of belonging and validation.


man sitting alone in a dim room on a couch, with his head in his hands
man sitting alone in a dim room on a couch, with his head in his hands

One of the most significant psychological changes that NPEs experience is a shift in their sense of identity. NPEs may feel like they are no longer the person they thought they were. They may struggle to understand who they are now that their biological parentage has changed. This can be a difficult process, as it involves a re-evaluation of one's sense of self and can lead to a sense of disorientation and uncertainty.


a man in a suite with a paper question mark covering his face and head
a man in a suite with a paper question mark covering his face and head


NPEs may also experience changes in their relationships with family members. For example, they may feel a sense of distance or distrust towards the family members who kept the secret. They may also feel a need to connect with their biological family, which can be a complicated and emotional process. NPEs may need to navigate relationships with new siblings, grandparents, and other family members who they did not know existed.


Another significant psychological change that NPEs experience is a shift in their understanding of genetics and family. NPEs may feel like they have lost a sense of genetic connection to their family, and may struggle to understand how genetics and family history play a role in their identity. This can be a difficult concept to grapple with, as it challenges many of the assumptions we make about family and genetics. This includes the concept of genetic bewilderment, which I'll talk about in another blog post.


Let's talk about mental health and the NPE. NPEs may also experience a range of mental health issues as a result of their discovery. Depression, anxiety, and PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) are common among NPEs, as they try to come to terms with the emotional and psychological impact of their discovery. It is important for NPEs to seek professional help if they are struggling with their mental health. LittleBird Coaching works with NPEs, so feel free to contact us.


It may sound strange, but NPEs may also experience positive psychological changes as they move through the healing process. Many NPEs report feeling a sense of relief and freedom after discovering their true biological parentage. They may feel like a truth they had always suspected is finally out, and as a result, may feel like they can finally be their true selves and live an authentic life. NPEs may also experience a sense of gratitude for the family they have, as well as a newfound appreciation for the complexity and diversity of family relationships.




To recap: Discovering that you are an NPE can be a life-changing event that can lead to a range of emotional and psychological changes. Shock, confusion, anger, grief, and isolation are all common emotional responses to an NPE discovery. NPEs may also experience a shift in their sense of identity, changes in their relationships with family members, and a re-evaluation of their understanding of genetics and family. It's a LOT. While the healing process can be difficult, NPEs may also experience a sense of relief and freedom as they come to terms with their new reality. It is important for NPEs to seek support and professional help if they are struggling with the emotional and psychological impact of their discovery. Wouldn't you know it! Trauma recovery coaching can be a helpful tool in your healing process, and LittleBird Coaching specializes in NPE recovery!


an image of a silhouette human pulling back a grey curtain of clouds revealing a sunny day and green meadow
an image of a silhouette human pulling back a grey curtain of clouds revealing a sunny day and green meadow

Please contact us if you are struggling. We can help. 954-701-3586 info@littlebirdcoaching.com




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